he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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