I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
