I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
