I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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