my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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