Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
