why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize