Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you didnt know i had herpes?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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