just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
