listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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