captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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