If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Found the puke drawer
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
