onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
