What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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