im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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