Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
