god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
