Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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