You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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