I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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