I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Banned from zoo.
Again?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
