My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
