i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
