so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
