I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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