I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
