just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
