i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
