She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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