It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
