I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
