go do what you do best...puke behind churches
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
