I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
