I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize