dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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