Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
