well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
