The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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