a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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