you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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