The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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