She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize