this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
