I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
