everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
