Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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