Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
