It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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