"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
this will be a night to untag.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
