Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
this is an emotional support booty call
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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