Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
