Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
