life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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