No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i will never coherently bang her
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
