my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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