I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
