My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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