i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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